One Liter of Tears 　１リットルの涙
by Mishil
Summary: This is Kitou Aya-san's diary, I am translating it so everyone can enjoy reading her diary.
1. Chapter 1

_**Translator's Note:**_

_**This is the beginning of her diary. I had just uploaded the wrong file and that was the other part and sorry about that… To compensate I put 2 entries at the same time. **_

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_**14 years old- My family**_

**My Family**

Dad 41 years old. Sometimes he has a bad temper, but he's nice.  
Mom 40 years old. I look up to her, but her straight forwardness scares me.  
Me 14 years old. In the beginning stage of adolescence. The age that's hard to deal with. If I describe myself with one word it would be, crybaby. I'm full of emotions. I'm naive and I easily get mad and easily start laughing.  
My little sister 12 years old. I see her as a rival in both school and personality...although lately I've been pushed around by her.  
My little brother 11 years old. He's a tricky one... a little scary. He's younger than me but sometimes turns into an older brother. He's also like a parent to Koro(the dog).  
My youngest brother 10 years old. He has a wild imagination, but he can be a little careless.  
My youngest sister 2 years old. She has curly hair that she got from my mom, and her face is from my dad (especially her eyes... it's what it looks like when the clock hits 8:20) She is very cute.

Mary died...

Today is my birthday. I grew quite a lot.  
I think I need to thank my mom and dad.  
I need to get much better grades, and be healthier so I won't make them sad. In order to do that, I want to make this beginning of my youth important, without any regrets.

I'm going camping the day after tomorrow. I need to finish my homework so I won't have to worry about it.  
Go!Go!Aya!

Tiger, the fierce dog next door ripped Mary's head off, killing her.  
Mary, who was very small, approached the monstrous Tiger with a friendly wagging tail.  
I yelled with all my might, "Mary no! Come back over here!" but...  
Mary must be frustrated... she died without being able to say a word. If she wasn't born a dog, she wouldn't have died so fast. Mary please be happy somewhere else!

The new house is finished.  
The large room on the eastside of the second floor is me and my sister's room. The ceiling is white. The wall is wooden brown. The scenery outside the window looks different than usual. I'm happy that I have my own room, but it seems too spacious and lonely. I wonder if I'll be able to sleep tonight.

Starting off all refreshed!

I'll wear t-shirts and pants (it's easier to move around).  
2. Chores to do everyday- water the lawn, pick weeds, check for bugs behind the leaves of the one tomato vine I planted. Also check the leaves of the chrysanthemum for cockroaches, and if I find any, take care of it right away.  
3. Not to slack on my homework  
than that, write in my diary every day.  
I'm going to make sure I do all of these.

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**15 years old- The sickness creeping up**

**Sign**

I think I've been losing weight lately.  
Is it from skipping meals because of the loads of homework and science project?  
I can't put my thought into action so I worry.  
I blame myself but there seems to be no progress.  
My energy just continues to drain.  
I want to gain a little more weight.  
Starting tomorrow, I need to act more according to the plan I wrote out before.

It was drizzling today. Walking to school holding a heavy bag and to make that worse, an umbrella, is a pain.  
As I was having these negative thoughts, my knees popped and I fell forward at a narrow road about 100 meters from my house.  
I hit my chin pretty badly. As I gently slid my hand on my chin, I felt the sticky blood covering my hands. I picked up the scattered bag and umbrella, turned back, and headed home.  
My mom came out from the inside saying, "Did you forget something? You better hurry or you're going to be late."  
"What's wrong?"  
No words came out and all I could do was cry.  
My mom quickly got a towel and wiped my face which was covered with blood. I felt the sand cutting through the wound.  
She said, "We're going to have to go to the doctor," and quickly helped me change into clean clothes, placed a band aid over my cut, and jumped into the car.  
I got 2 stitches without any pain killer.  
I grit my teeth and dealt with the pain, because it was my fault for being clumsy.  
But more than that... I'm sorry mom for making you take a day off work.  
I thought to myself that maybe my hands didn't help me when I fell, because I'm kind of slow... as I looked at my aching chin in the mirror.  
But I'm glad it was under my chin. My future would be dark if a scar was left in a place where people can see.

My grades in P.E.  
7th grade= B  
8th grade= C  
9th grade= D  
I'm so frustrated! I guess I need to try harder.  
I was hoping that the circuit training I did during summer vacation would help a little, but I guess not.  
Well, I suppose it's because I didn't continue it long enough (the voice from the shadow= Exactly!)

In the morning, inside the kitchen where a slight light and breeze was slipping through the window with the yellow lace curtain, I cried.  
"How come I'm the only one who is not athletic?"  
Today, there is going to be a test on the balance beam.  
My mom covered her eyes and said, "But Aya, its okay because you are smart. You can just stick to whatever subject you enjoy and make use of that in the future. You're good at English, so you should master that. English is an international language so I'm sure it will be of good use. So don't worry if you get a D in P.E..."  
My tears had stopped falling. There was something left for me.

I shouldn't be such a crybaby.  
My body won't move the way I want it to. Is it being anxious, because I skipped doing my homework that I can finish in 5 hours each day? No, that's not it; something in my body is starting to breaking down. I'm scared!  
My heart feels as though it's being squeezed. I want to exercise. I want to run. I want to study. I want to write neatly.

"Namida no Toka-ta (A tear's toccata)" is such a good song. I fell in love with it. When I eat while listening to that song, it makes the food taste even more delicious.

This is a discussion about my little sister.  
All this time, I only noticed my sister's mean side, but I started to think that she is actually really nice. The reason for this is because when we walk to school, my little brother leaves me behind and he just walks his own pace, but my sister walks with me.  
Even when we cross the bridge, she holds my bag for me and says, "Make sure to hold onto the rails."

Slowly, my summer vacation mood is fading away.  
After cleaning up dinner, I was about to go upstairs and my mom said, "Aya, come sit over here."  
My mom looked very serious and I was getting nervous, thinking about what I was going to get punished for.  
"Aya, lately your body is constantly looking like you're going to fall forward, and you walk very unsteadily moving from side to side, do you notice that? I've been watching and I'm worried. Let's go see a doctor."  
I asked, "...which hospital?"  
"Just leave it to me; I'll look for a trustworthy place."  
My tears started to fall endlessly. I wanted to say "Thank you so much mom, and I'm sorry to make you worried," but I could not make any words come out of my mouth.  
I wondered if my clumsiness is from staying up late at night, eating at different times, but thinking that there is something wrong with me and that's why I have to go see a doctor, left me to do nothing but cry. My eyes are starting to hurt from crying too much.

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**Translator's Note:**

**Reviews and feedback are appreciated...**


	2. Chapter 2

**The medical examination**

I go to the hospital in Nagoya with my mother (Aya-san wrote this in English).  
I Left the house at 9 AM and my little sister wasn't feeling well. She went to pre-school anyways, so that I can go to the doctor...My poor sister.  
11 AM, I arrived at the hospital (Kokuritsu Nagoya Daigaku Fuzoku Byouin). I read a book while waiting for 3 hours, but I was nervous. I couldn't concentrate as usual, because I was so worried and scared. My mom tried to reassure me saying "I called Dr. Eitsurou, so there's nothing to worry," but...

I was finally called. My heart was beating fast.  
My mom explains to the doctor,  
1. I fell and cut my chin (people would usually fall on their hands, but I fell on my face).  
2. I walk wobbly (my knees don't bend well).  
3. I lost weight.  
4. My movement is slow (I can't react quickly).  
While listening, I became scared. My busy mom had been watching me so carefully...I guess she noticed everything...but I'm a little relieved.  
Now, the small thing I was worried about has been informed to the doctor. Finally, all my worries will be gone.  
I sat on the round seat and looked into the doctor's face. I was relieved, because she wore glasses and had a gentle smile. I closed my eyes and lifted up my hands and brought my index finger closer to my face. I stood on one foot. I lay on the bed and repeatedly bent and straightened my legs. The doctor hit my knee with the hammer and the medical examination was finally over.  
"Let's have a CT scan," the doctor said.  
"Aya, it doesn't hurt or itch. It's just a machine that slices your head so they can look inside your head.  
"Ehh~ slicing my head!"  
This is really important to me, so I didn't find what my mom said funny. The large machine slowly came down. My head fit perfectly as if I was in outer space.  
"You can just lay there, don't move now," a lady in a white gown said, so I laid there, but I became sleepy.  
I had to wait a long time, and after given a medicine, I got to go home.  
Another task was added for me to do. If I can get better by drinking medicine, then I don't mind drinking a stomach full of them. Please doctor. If I'm a flower, please help me not to ruin the life of the bud, that hasn't blossomed yet.  
The hospital is pretty far and I have school, so the doctor said I only have to come once a month. I promise to go and do as you say, so please make me better. The world's best, Nagoya Daigaku! Dr. Eitsurou! Please!

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**Translator's Note:**

** I know this entry is short and I can't do anything about it. You know the drill, please review… **

** See you soon…**


	3. Chapter 3

**Repentance**

The only plant we harvest at Seiryou Junior High is Chinese citron.  
When I went to go pick weeds where all these trees were, the guys made fun of my walking.  
"What kind of walking is that? You look like a kindergartener."  
"Haha you seem eager, your feet are bowlegged."  
They laugh saying every possible thing to make me mad. Of course, I ignored them. If I put up with all this, the water in the ocean would be gone. But it was really hard not to cry. Luckily, I was able to keep the tears from falling...

Today something very frustrating happened.  
During P.E., I changed and went out to the field.  
The teacher said, "Today we'll be running to the park 1km away. Then we'll practice making basketball passes."  
My heart thumped. Running, passing...I can't do either.  
"Kitou, what are you going to do?"  
I dropped my head low and the teacher continued,  
"Well, you can have a study hall with O-san." (O-san forgot her P.E. clothes).  
Hearing this, I immediately hear my classmate's voices.  
"Aww study hall~ how lucky."  
I was boiling with anger.  
"If you want study hall so much, I'll trade places with you. Even if it's only a day, I want to switch bodies. Then maybe you'll understand the feeling of a person who can't do anything they want to do."  
Every time I walk, in every step I take, I can feel my unsteady body, it makes me feel weak, and I feel humiliated and miserable not being able to do what everyone else is capable of doing. Is that something you can't understand unless you experience it? Even if you can't feel what that person is feeling, I want you to at least try to think in my point of view.  
But I think that's hard to do.

Even for me, I only first realized this after it happened to me.

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**Translator's Note:**

** You know the drill, please review… **

** See you soon…**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Fever**_

I guess I caught a cold. I have a fever, but I feel fine and I have a good appetite. But I don't have any confidence with my body anymore.  
I want a thermometer (since I broke it). I want to see my health in numbers and I'll ask my dad about it.  
"Aya gets sick allot, she uses up twice more money than her siblings." My father said as I accidentally heard from their conversation.

When I become an adult, when I become stronger, I'll let you guys live an easier life. I'll take good care of you guys like you took good care of me.  
When I sleep, I think of lots of things.  
The things my history teacher talked about.  
Being made fun of is a good experience for me, because it helps me to become a stronger person.  
The schoolwork in junior high is easily done, if I study little by little every day. It's not too late if I start now. I'm going to try really hard.

...but on the other hand, my bad health makes me really worried.  
"Don't cry, you crybaby" The tough times came in are when humans is developing. If I can overcome this, a beautiful morning will be waiting for me. The peaceful morning full of light, with birds singing and the smell of the white roses...  
I wonder where happiness is.  
I wonder what happiness is.  
"Aya are you happy right now?"  
"Of course not, I'm in the bottomless pit of sadness. It's so hard. Mentally and physically..."  
The truth is that I'm a step away from becoming weird!  
Because the crow that was crying is already laughing.

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**Translator's Note:**

**Another entry is here… Leave me some reviews; it is like a fuel for me to post it… **


	5. Chapter 5

**Characteristic**

I look up to people with strong personality traits, because I myself have nothing special.  
I'm attracted to the idea of each individuals putting out their own unique characteristics.  
Maybe even in the world that we live in, our uniqueness and talents are used to make the most out of life, like the movie "007."  
The world is in need of people with strong character traits.  
However, characteristics only belong to you, so it's not something you shove and give away to others.  
But people take things in a different way, so it gets complicated.  
When I was leaving school, I met Eiko at the bicycle shed. As I held onto "Yamato" and "Last Concert" records, Eiko put my heavy bag inside the bicycle basket.  
Eiko said she had something to do so we parted at the crosswalk.  
I really like how Eiko is so straight forward, but other people think she is cold hearted.

**Leaving the nest**

An ant to ant a flower to flower a bird to a bird. Kouji

On the back of this magnificent paper it said, "In celebration of Kitou-kun's graduation." Okamoto sen-sei wrote it for you, only for Aya... I was really happy.  
He's a little scary, but he's a nice teacher who likes flowers.  
I thanked him with all my heart and smiled with gratitude. My teacher taught me the meaning of this song.  
"An ant to ant means to be straight forward and clear. It means that there are such things as 'flower' that humans call a flower, 'bird that flies' that humans call a bird."  
It shook up the soaring blue sky, the tiled roof of the school, and the dark green tree.  
I didn't understand half of the meaning of the song, but I can tell that my teacher was trying to say "do your best." The feeling of "I'm going to do it!" stirred up inside me.  
"What do you think he wrote that with?"

**Translator's Note:**

**I post two entries at the same time because the other entry was too short. You know the drill please leave me some comments about it.**

**See you again!**


	6. Chapter 6

_That one word from my mom_

"Your high school life isn't going to be easy. There will probably be more of hardships, being restricted from simple things and being seen as different from other people. But everyone lives with at least one or two hardship in their life. Don't think of yourself as unfortunate. You can pull through if you think that there are people who are more unfortunate than you."  
I thought to myself, hmm I see. My mom is probably in more pain than I am in. My mom works thinking about people who need help and are in pain. When I think about that, I can put up with my troubles. For my parents, myself, and for the society, I decided to continue doing my best with the hope of being able to live.

_Hospitalization_

My first check up after starting high school. It still takes 2 hours by taking the freeway, so we left early in the morning.  
I think I'll write down some things I want to tell the doctor.  
1. it's getting harder for me to walk. I fall without holding on to something. It's hard to lift up my feet.  
2. I start choking when I eat or drink in a hurry.  
3. I laugh to myself a lot (It's like a grin. I realized after my brother asking me what's so funny about that).  
4. What's the illness that I have?

After having to wait a long time like usual, I had a check-up with one old doctor and three young doctors. I guess to check on my athletic ability, I had to straighten and bend my legs, hit my knees, and walk like the usual.  
My mom briefly talked about what I wrote down earlier to the doctor and also told her that I'm attending a normal high school with the help of my close friends.  
After the check-up the doctor said, "Let's get you hospitalized during your summer break, for the treatment and also so we can take tests. Please go through the hospitalization procedure before leaving today."  
Eeeek! I'm going to be hospitalized? Oh man. If I can get rid of this then I'll just have to pull through! I easily accepted it like that but, I really wonder what's going to happen to my body.  
Something is on the verge of breaking down. It's going to get worse unless we fix it as soon as possible. I'm scared. I was told that I have to wait until I get hospitalized to get the answer to the fourth question.  
On the way home, I asked my mom.  
"Is Nagodai (Nagoya Daigaku Fuzoku Byouin) a good hospital? Will they cure me? This is my first summer break being in high school and I want to do so many things, so I want the hospitalization to be short."  
"Aya, make sure to write down things that you notice about your body. It doesn't matter how small it is. It'll help with your treatment. That way your hospitalization might be short. If you think of this hospitalization as a short period in life, you can remember it as a good experience. Anyways, I'll only be able to check on you on Sundays so you have to do laundry on your own, without overdoing yourself. I'll buy you lots of underwear, but when you go home start writing down things you'll need and start getting ready."  
On the way, we got out of Okazaki Interchange and we stopped by my aunt's (my mom's younger sister) house. I started crying while listening to my mom explains to her about my situation.  
"I want to heal her no matter what it takes. If Meidai Byouin can't do it, then I'll go to Tokyo or America or search everywhere to find someone to cure her."  
Then my aunt replied, "Aya-chan let's get better soon ok? Nowadays most illnesses are curable and plus you're still so young. But, you have to keep your faith and tell yourself "I'm going to get better." If you just sit there and cry then even the strongest medicine won't do any good. I'll occasionally come visit you. If you need anything just call me. I'll rush over there, so don't worry and just hang in there." She got out a tissue saying, "Come on, blow your nose and drink this juice. The juice is going to taste salty if the tears get in," and made me laugh.  
I know its still 2 months away but please time, stop! Aya's illness please stops as well!

**Translator's Note:**

**On** **a side note~ the word "Byouin" comes up maybe like twice in this entry, but it means hospital.**

**Please leave me some comments about my translation… See you again!**


	7. Chapter 7

**_16 years old- The beginning of agony _**

**_My life in the hospital_**

My new life, first time away from home is starting.  
I'm in a room with a lady who seems to be around 50 yrs old. My mom said, "Pleased to me to you," so I bowed my head with her. She looked like a quiet lady with lonely eyes. I was nervous not knowing what kind of life was ahead of me.  
In the afternoon, I went on a walk with the lady. We sat on the bench under the cherry blossom tree. The sunlight looked like it was dancing between the leaves. Since I'm really near-sighted, I couldn't see clearly but I sensed "beauty" within the green and the light. Then, I sensed "oddness" in the leaves that were being blown, casually by the wind.  
I've gotten used to the life in the hospital, but lights out at 9 and dinner at 4:30 is a little too early.  
The pace has changed, and a day seems to run past me.

I have to go through lots of tests like the electromyogram(owww this hurts!), electrocardiogram, x-rays, and hearing tests.  
I am taken from one place to the next in this big hospital, which is easy to get lost. I just can't stand the dark hallways. It even makes my mood dark.

My doctor, Yamamoto Hiroko sensei (now a professor at the Fujita Hokeneisei Daigaku in the Shinkeinaika) said that finally, I'm going to get the shot to make me better. To see before and after effects of the shot, they recorded my walking, walking up the stairs, buttoning, into a 16mm camera.

I wonder what I'm going to be when I grow up, or actually what can I be?  
The 3 requirements that I have to meet:  
1. Something that does not involve my body.  
2. Something that I can do using my brain.  
3. Something that gives me a decent pay.

This is hard. I wonder if there is such a job that meets all these requirements.

Some number of young doctors plays around with me. Stand on your tiptoes! Close your eyes! Can you do this? Then something about my pelvis... After all that, they ask me "Was it fun?" I can't deal with this. I wanted to yell, I'm not a guinea pig, so stop it!

Sunday, the day I've been looking forward to is finally here. My mom and my two sisters came. We all went to the roof to do the laundry. The blue sky was really pretty. The clouds were white and pretty as well. The wind was a little warm, but it still felt good. It felt like I became a human again. They took some spinal liquid. My head hurts. It hurts terribly. Is it because of the shot?

Michan's family (my mom's younger brother's family) came. My grandpa's eyes were red. I was going to tell him, but I couldn't and so I was staring...then my grandpa said, "Do I look weird? I got a tan from working and I stayed up late last night."  
It was so black that I felt bad. His eyes were like a rabbit. It looked like he was crying.  
"Aya do your best. I'll bring you some good food next time. What do you want?"  
"I want a book. Sagan's 'Hello sadness' I've wanted to read this."

I went to the Physiotherapy room underground.  
I'm going to take a test from and Imaeda (PT=physiotherapist).  
At that moment I said something stupid. I can't believe I told them that I like Japanese and English and that I have lots of confidence in these subjects, and how my grades were in the top of the class. This should be the last time I boast about my grades...it makes me look more miserable and will make me want to rob a bank or something. In any case, you can't really determine how smart you are by the grades on a report card.  
PT. Kawabashi said he was a troublemaker when he was a student.  
Actually, I think that's better...it's much more healthy.  
I'm still so young and look at my body...  
I felt so miserable that my tears started to fall.  
I shouldn't say anything anymore. After writing what I wanted to write, I felt a lot better.

The reason why I study so hard is because this is the only thing I'm good at. If you take studying away from me, all that's left is this useless body. I don't want to feel this way.  
It's sad, and harsh, but this is reality.  
I don't care if I'm stupid; I just want a healthy body.

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**Research**

1) Test. I had to move my hands according to the song, twinkle twinkle little star.  
Before getting my shot R(right) 12 times L(left) 17 times  
3 mins after my shot R(right) 18 times L(left) 22 times  
5 mins after my shot R(right) 18 times L(left) 21 times

2) Rehabilitation  
1. I had to stand on my hands and knees.  
I had to move my body by keeping my balance(like making half a circle)  
[rotating my pelvis]  
I had to bend my leg, rotate my pelvis, then go on my hands, rotate my pelvis again, and then lift up my hands.  
*I'm not supposed to let my feet go, and my shoulder blade isn't supposed to move inwardly.  
2. Reflex movement  
As soon as I lift my leg, I have to catch my body with my hands. This will help me when I fall.  
*My shoulder blades moved inwardly, and my weight pulls me back.  
3. Exercising by swinging my hands  
I have to swing my hands back and forth and watch how my pelvis moves.  
When my right hand is in the front= my right pelvis has to go back  
When my right hand goes back= my right pelvis has to come forward.

So basically, I have to alternate my hands and feet when I walk. For me...  
When my right hand is in the front= my right pelvis goes back  
When my right hand goes back= my right pelvis goes back

This is weird. Both my leg and hand goes back at the same time.

4. After standing on my legs and knees, I have to stand on my knees alone.  
5. Making it right. I had to lean back my shoulders and straighten my body by lining up my knees with my spine.  
6. I had to practice crawling.  
Putting my right hand out-Putting my left feet out-putting my left hand out-Putting my right feet out  
I have to keep my legs straight when I put it out.  
Walking normal is a really hard thing...  
up

Dr. Yamamoto said to me, "A boy named K-kun is going to be hospitalized from today. He has a similar illness as you."  
I passed by him in the hallway.  
He was skinny and seemed to be in the 6th or 7th grade. He looked like an innocent and cheerful boy, who didn't seem to let his illness bother him.  
I told him inside my heart, "I hope the shot will help you. Get better soon."

After getting the shot, I got a headache and became nauseous, but maybe because the medicine is actually working, or I'm getting used to it, there is less pain.  
They recorded my voice. I wonder if they're testing my throat and tongue.

Rehabilitation is very important! That's what Dr. Yamamoto said. I knew I had to try my best, but it was really hard. I'm not normal...mom, I could almost cry.  
We went up to the roof again and they took pictures of me with the 16mm camera. My body felt miserable.  
PT. Kawabashi, I can only walk like a robot. This is sad. While we rested, PT. Kawabashi told me one of his childhood stories.  
"I peed on a teacher's head from the roof and got beaten up." Wow...that's a dynamic prank... I can't do the same, but this feeling of wanting to do something, boiled up inside me. He also told me the trick to catching a cicada (both female) that's on a tree. He called the cicada's shedding of the skin, semi-nude! I thought to myself... I guess he's a guy too.

I got a fever. 102 degree Fahrenheit, am I going to die? No! I can't lose to an illness! I miss my mom and family.  
Man~ every time I try to take a step forward this always happens! It seems like this mental and physical unbalance is going to last forever. I'm scared of getting old. I'm only 16 years old.

I only have couple more shots to go. Then I'll finally be able to get out of the hospital...supposedly.  
Usually, it's a happy thing but it's different with me. When I first started the shots, I suffered from the side effects (nausea/headaches). My doctor said that the shots helped, but my expectation of being able to walk as I used to, doesn't seem like it was met. Now I have another notebook to keep other than my school diary... the notebook for physically handicapped people. My illness is where the cerebellum's cell takes over me physically, making it hard for me to move, and this illness was discovered about one hundred years ago.  
Why did the illness choose me?  
The word fate isn't a good enough explanation!

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**Translator's Side note:**

**_ Shinkeinaika is like the department specializing in the nerves. I don't know if I mentioned this already, but sensei means teacher/doctor (in this case it's used as doctor). The last thing is, the book that Aya said she wanted to read is actually called "Kanashimiyo Konnichiwa" if anyone wanted to know (^^;)... but I just translated it, to Hello Sadness in the entry. _**


	8. Chapter 8

**2nd Semester**

My mom's teaching: "It's okay to be slow, it's ok to make mistakes, and the important thing is to try your best."  
I wanted to say, I'm always serious! My behavior may be...but when it comes to inside... I felt a little sting.  
After the opening ceremony, my mom and my teacher had a conference.

1. Although the treatment during the hospitalization helped me a little, recovery is difficult, since it is a complicated illness.  
2. My mom asked for consideration for I might trouble people around me when I walk from one class to the next, and that problems may rise, but to let me do as much as I can.

My mom's idea:  
1. To take the textbook apart and only bring the necessary pages. Take only one notebook and put tabs, to separate the subjects.  
2. Change my school bag to a backpack.  
3. To take the taxi to school, because the rush hours in the morning is dangerous. For going home, I have to choose to either take the bus or the taxi, depending on my condition.  
"Don't do anything rash. I already talked to the taxi company, so you don't have to pay any money," said my mom.  
Gosh, how much of a money eater bug am I going to be...I cause so much trouble, I'm sorry.

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_**The evil 13th**_

I rode the bus from the gate of the school. I had to switch onto another bus so I got off at Asahibashi, crossed the street, and walked to the next bus stop. The light turned green. It's sprinkling. An elementary school boy shared his umbrella with me. I tried to walk fast trying to keep up with his pace. All of a sudden, I fell flat forward. Blood flowed from my mouth and stained the wet asphalt in red. There was so much blood gushing out, that I became worried that I might die, and started crying. The lady from the bakery in the corner of the street rushed out and helped me get up. She let me inside and wiped my mouth with a towel. She took me inside her car and drove me to a nearby hospital. She saw my student notebook, so she called the school for me and my teacher came. After the treatment, my teacher took me home. Lady from the bakery, teacher, I thank you.

Aya's lip was swollen and her 3 front teeth were broken and gone. When I touch it with my handkerchief, it still stains in red. I'm a "girl." My 3 big front teeth are gone, and now I look ugly.  
My illness is worse than cancer!  
It stole the beauty of my youth.  
If I didn't have this weird illness, I could have had a love life...I just want someone to rely on.  
I just can't take this anymore!

Kaoru no Kimi ([To my brother...] Ikeda Riyoko) said "I love you!" and left the person he loved. Do I not have the freedom to love or be loved by someone?  
In my dream, I can walk, run, and move freely... In reality, I can't do any of that.  
When I read the part where Nanako starts to run, it makes me think how much I wish I can do that. Is this servile?

I slept whole day thinking about when I fell. K-ko-san called me asking "Are you okay?" It made me happy. I probably have to be absent for a while.

I woke up at 7:30. My sister Ako-chan is going to Nagoya. She looked so cute that I kind of sulked.  
It's good to wake up early. I got to eat the last cream puff. It was so good with the cream spreading through the inside of my mouth. It's hard to eat without my front teeth. I had to hold my mouth close to keep it from coming out.  
I have to start going to the dentist from tomorrow. I want to hurry and be the old Aya again. I put the mirror away, which used to be on my desk.

I was reading a knitting book with my mom. This white dress that my mom used to knit for me when I was little was on there. "Mom, did you read this and make it?"  
"Yupp, remember how you wore this on New Years with a pretty hair band and took a picture in front of the front door?"  
If I was healthy, we would be talking happily saying "Oh yah~ back then..." but it would get upsetting so we ended the conversation there.

* * *

**About my future**

My mom and I talked about my future.  
According to my mom, "Unlike people who cannot see or are handicapped, the things you were able to do before don't leave your mind. You think hard about why you can't do it anymore, and your emotions come out. So it always starts with the struggle with your mind. Even if others may view it merely as a machine-like radio exercise, it's actually a struggle with your mind, its training. Aya, I think that as long as you live every day to its fullest, you'll have a future. Aya, you cry a lot, and when I see you cry, I feel so sorry. But looking at reality, you have to understand where you are right now and make your life full, or else you'll never live with your feet on the ground. Mom and your siblings will help you with things you absolutely cannot do. But when we talk about our opinions, or argue we're straight forward aren't we? That's because we think of you as a real live normal person and a sister. So take it as words full of love that will help you grow stronger mentally. This is a training as well, so that you will be able to go on when someone tells you something that stabs you in the heart. You learn love, and love what you know...basically you're surrounded by love and knowledge as the name of the place where you were born, Aichi-ken."  
As I listened and took in the fact of my illness, I thought I should start thinking about my future.  
"I want to be a librarian. To do that, I want to go to college. Then I can get a degree as a social worker..."  
"It'll be hard to go out. You should think about something you can do at home, for example, translating."  
"I want to write a novel, but my life in society is pretty poor so I guess that won't work."  
"You can decide that later, but for now do what you can do right now, and put the effort! Yes the effort."  
"Okay, I guess the only thing I can rely on is my scholastic ability."

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**Translator's Side note:**

**-x0x- The place where Aya was born, Aichi-ken is made up of two kanji characters, ai(love) and shiru(to know). So that's what her mom was referring to.**

**-x0x-** **I think the part with "Kaoru no Kimi ([To my brother...] Ikeda Riyoko)" was a little confusing huh? Well, Kaoru no Kimi is a character from a book called "To my brother..." by Ikeda Riyoko. Nanako is also a character from the book as well. Hope this made it a little easier to understand? **

**REVIEW PLEASE!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Friends**

I saw the sunset .A big red...

It quickly sank like a small sparkler firework that falls quickly, but it had a clear brightness to it.

The color was beautiful. It was the color of an apple. Y-ko-chan and I said, "Isn't it so pretty?" to each other and we are speechless after that. We saw a trail of an airplane shining in the red sunset.

I think Y-ko-chan is a really good person.

When I told her I wanted to study at her house, she strictly said no. I was so sure that she was going to say yes.

If I was in her shoes, I would not be able to turn her down, and I would not be able to study at my own pace, later regretting that I had said yes.

Basically, I lack self-control.

If I said that my physical handicap and my self-control are connected, will that be considered as an excuse?

It makes me happy that there is someone who can say what they think and who would listen to you.

Friends treat each other equally so I am grateful.

S-chan told me, "I started reading because of you."

That made me feels happy. It is okay if I feel that I was not just a trouble to my friends...right?

"Aya-chan, you were crying a lot that one time remember? You were so cute."

"Really? Wow... no one has ever told me that before. But I saw myself in the mirror when I was crying before...and that wasn't a pretty sight."

"Well, I didn't see your face. The way you cried was cute."

"Haha that was harsh!"

What was cute and was not my face, but the atmosphere I gave when I was crying. We both laughed.

Friends are so cool. I want to be with them forever.

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**REVIEW PLEASE!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Agony**

A thalidomide lady gave birth to a healthy baby girl. She changes the diaper and breast feeds, using her feet. I am not sure if I'm supposed to feel happy for her, but only worry comes to me.

The Achilles tendon on the right leg feels stiff. I became depressed.

The most difficult thing for me is walking from one class to the next. I have to accept the help from classmates or hold onto something as I walk through the long hallways and stairs. It takes so much time, that I make my friends late to class.

Lunch time is a hassle too. Everyone finishes in like 5 minutes. I only get one bite or two in 5 minutes. Not only have that, but I even had medicine to drink. When I feel like I will not finish eating in time, I drink down the medicine, look around, and if I see that there's someone else still eating, I try to eat as fast as possible. I wonder how many times I was able to finish eating my lunch. I feel bad not being able to finish the lunch that was made for me, but I just do not have enough time.

When I try to eat the leftover at home, "Give it to Koro. You can eat a lot at dinner."

Aww, what a waste. My lunch is like Aya+Koro.

Y-ko-chan and S-chan always helps me as if they are my shadow.

"Sorry for always causing trouble."

"We're friends aren't we?"

This really makes me feel a lot better.

"Friends are equal." However, not always. Especially for me, I have to be carried and such or else I cannot survive school life.

I finally understand why the teachers sourly tell me, "Put in more effort to walk on your own."

There is only one road for me.

I do not have the right to pick my options. I can never go onto the same path as my friends.

If I make myself feel better by thinking that I am going to walk the same paths as my friends, my own path will disappear...

I want to go somewhere...

I want to hit something hard, yell and scream like crazy, fall down laughing...

Where I want to go.

Library, movie theatre, cafe (I want to sit in the corner seat and drink lemon squash). Nevertheless, in the end, I cannot go anywhere on my own. I feel so pathetic, miserable, and cannot do anything about it, that I just cry.

I am a big baby. However, I cannot help it. A crybaby and I have been together for 2 years now. Something little cannot tear us apart.

Now, I can cry without making any noise and my nose will not turn red as long as I do not cry too much. There is nothing good about crying. It only makes me tired, makes my eyes puffy, plugs my nose, and takes away my appetite...

Lately I have been picking fights with people. Relationships with people are complicated. It is not as someone is wrong, but it just becomes worse without realization. I guess it is like my sickness. *tears*

**Translator's Side note:**

_**This was a sad entry... wasn't it? It must be so hard on Aya even mentally when she feels bad all the time for the people who help her. I can sense her frustration as I read her diary because she cannot do anything on her own. A little on the side note, Aya's friend's names Y-ko-chan and S-chan are used to keep their identities from the public. It is like in English using Person A and Person B. So these names aren't the actual names of the friends. **_

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**REVIEW PLEASE!**


	11. Chapter 11

_**My Diagnosis**_

I cannot make loud noises anymore. I do not know if my abdominal muscle got weaker or if my breathing capacity is getting smaller.

Maybe because I am limited with where I can go, but I do not even know what I want anymore. However, I want to do something. I want to do something so badly that I cannot stand it. My hands and feet are being tightly bounded. People being nice to me is a pain for me.

Y-ko-chan came with me to the bathroom. I made her 5 minutes late. After my feelings of, "I'm so sorry! I'm really sorry!" this frustrating feeling of "Why can't I do this simple thing on my own? I feel so stupid and frustrated!" just builds up inside me.

A victim is a human that has a heart too!  
Not being able to hear is not a misfortune. It is convenient.  
I want to be happy, so I have to find something that I can compete equally, with a normal person. You are only 16. You are still young so try harder!

During homeroom, we had the picking of the different officers. 45classmates, 44officers.  
I did not want to think that I was left out, so I decided to do an angel's job. I can pick up trash that is left on the ground, and even close the window. If I put myself into it, I can do allot of things.

I am about to lose to the sickness.  
No! I am not going to lose! No matter how hard I try to act happy, when I see my teacher, sisters, brother, and my friends walking normally, I feel miserable.

I wanted to see something that would touch my heart, so I went to go watch a marathon by myself. Nevertheless, it only made me feel more depressed. I felt a melancholy feeling in "Running." My friends are going to leave me. I started to realize what a big handy it is to have a unhealthy body.

I decided to read my favorite book while sitting out during P.E.  
I try to copy what I can get out from the book, "Hello Miss (Ojou-san Konnichiwa)," (Kusanagi Taizou).  
Right now, I am reading "I'm 20years old (Boku wa 20sai)," (Oka Shinji) with the thought that I will never commit suicide.

I cannot live without thinking. I cannot just simply say, "Oh well~."  
Even walking...I think about what the best way of walking for me is, or if the path I am taking, is not too rough for me, or cleaning as well... I think of ways I can do it on my own, in the most efficient way...  
Even I feel pity for Aya.  
On the other hand, there are good things too!  
I can't go on without thinking that.

My body is becoming stiffer. I do not know if it is because it's getting colder, or because my sickness is getting worse, but I even fall when I am holding onto something. It is too dangerous for me to go out into the road. Now my mom has to drive me to school. Before going to work, she drops me off at school. I hang onto her shoulder for support and she takes me to the shoe cupboard. While I put on the Uwagutsu (Everyone else has slippers), my mom runs to my classroom on the second floor to drop off my school bag and lunch.  
Then I just slowly walk up to my class hanging onto the rail.  
After school, I wait until six 'o clock at the candy shop across the street from school. The woman at the candy shop kindly told me, "You can go inside and do your homework or read."  
Kids who are just going home from school, because of sports, come to the shop so it is a little embarrassing, but I put up with it because there is no other choice.  
I fell again while walking to my class. I got a slight cut on my right temple.  
S-chan helped me up. Before I can say "Thank you," tears started falling out of my eyes and I could not make it into words.

* * *

_**Weak and Fragile Heart**_

Slowly, but surely… It is my sickness. Recently, it was hard for me to write. I can feel my body's changes. I lost weight again.

In a time where streets, people and dreams change, I could only oppose them. I still did not realize that there are things that cannot be conveyed even with words.

Sometimes this thought came from my mind, "God was so unfair with me." Know why? I thought why I am the only one who needs to suffer, I am not taunting my family, and it is only about me. The feeling of resentment and bitterness… Sadness is all I can remember, sadness that always accompany me in this solitary heart of mine.

What do I live for?

Why am I here?

Why I am so physically and emotionally weak?

Why do I need to have this illness?

Nothing is going the way it should and I hastily subdue these feelings of impatience. All this anxiety and nervousness is sending my heart into disorder. Just a girl hugging his knees in the midst of it all shivering and in tears, I repress all my regret and I cried all night, but now it seems dawn is breaking...

If I could get just one more chance... I'll keep it all locked away in my heart until my dreams come true... I surrendered myself to a dismal emptiness in the most critical of times. No matter how hard I tried, I could not quite reach it. Aiming for the shore, I had to swim for my life withstanding the current; I cannot even raise my voice.

It could have been the end right there, but I do not think that love can save everything…

I am tired physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. What is my purpose in this life?

Someone, please help me…

The tears kept flowing out from eyes when I think of this, but I need to be strong and move forward… Accepting what destiny had given me and I will not look back, because I have decided to walk forward through the uncertain future...

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**Translator's Side note:**

_**Sorry for keeping you all waiting, but I am back. Anyways, a couple of side notes: the officers mentioned in this entry is kind of similar to a class cabinet except it's like, there's 2 people in charge for each thing (such as the cleaning committee, cleaning committee...) Since Aya can't do any of it, she calls her job an angel job, where she does little things to help out. In addition, uwagutsu is like a shoe worn inside a school (worn in elementary school) so it is different from slippers.**_

_**I put two entries at the same time… The second entry was somewhat sad… In addition, it is quite hard for me to translate because Aya used many deep words… Phew, but I did it anyway…**_

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**Reviews are appreciated...  
**


	12. Chapter 12

**Translator's Note: **

**Another update from me… **

**The Chapters in One Liter Of Tears Diary**

**Chapter 1- My Family (14 Years Old)**

**Chapter 2- Enduring my sickness (15 Years Old)**

**Chapter 3- The start of my problems (16 Years old)**

**Chapter 4- I can't sing anymore (17 Years Old)**

**Chapter 5- The truth (18 Years Old)**

**Chapter 6- Maybe there isn't any cure at all (19 Years Old)**

**Chapter 7- I don't want to give up (20 Years Old)**

**Chapter 8- Life's Limit (21 Years Old)**

_**

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**_

**The Blank 2 Hours (While waiting at the candy shop) **

During this terrible 2 hours, I have to force myself looking at the people walking in and out and forcing myself to listen to words that are not meaningful. Sigh… Time is just wasted like that….  
Although taking a public bus to school can be also boring, but I can still feel (Human Activities) are very strong. Apart from that, I can also see the sceneries of the two side surroundings, store displaying fruits… and the atmosphere of the season.

While I am walking (Of course with friends holding me), at that point of time, I felt someone was looking at me. I cannot help but walk faster and faster. I even fold up my collar. Then suddenly, I heard someone saying something that hit me really hard and made me so depressed.  
" So Pitiful…. Is that child a disabled"

* * *

**I don't want to grow-up**

Harsh words come out of my mom's mouth as I cry endlessly.

"Showing thoughts through crying is what a baby does! You're making high school students look bad!"

I became even more miserable and continued to cry (like a small lamb in the forest).

Dear Emi-chan (my cousin),

Emi-chan, why is Aya such a crybaby? Why cannot laugh naturally, as I used to? I want to go back to the past!

I want to make a time machine and ride it to go back to the past. Watch myself run, walk, roll around, and play with you... but then I come back to reality.

Do I really have to come back to reality?

I don't want to grow up!

Time...please stop! Tears...stop falling!

Ahh...Aya just cannot seem to stop crying.

It's already 9PM. Time will continue to move even if I break all the clocks in the world.

I can't stop time as long as I live.

It's not about giving up... I just can't do anything about it.

I love walking on the road.

In 7th grade, I walked 5km from my house to the audio-visual center.

If I pick up flowers as I walk, and look up at the blue sky, it is not painful to walk at all.

I loved walking more than riding a bicycle or a car.

Only if I can walk on my own...

One friend says that she feels like a bad kid when she's alone. Another friend says that she feels most like her human-self, when she's alone just day dreaming.

When I am alone...I don't like being alone, being alone is scary!

I wonder what my purpose of life is.

People always help me, but I can't do anything in return.

To me, studying is my source of life, but I can't find anything that is more important.

I can't walk the hallway which is only 3 meters.

Can't a human live only with their mind?

Can't I walk using only my upper half of the body?

I want to be like the air. The good-hearted person whose kindness overflows and people realize how important she was to them, once she is gone.

I want to be that kind of person.

We had a seat change in class, and now I'm sitting in the front row.

I need to plan out which path to take when I'm late for class. I need to be careful with my health or else I'll yawn, get a stuffy nose, and feel sick.

For snack, I ate baked sweet potato. It was really good.

It's only 2:30 but it seems like the sun is setting.

I didn't notice how most of the sakura leaves from the Inari Mountain had fallen.

Oh that reminds me! The school's maidenhair (ichou no ki) tree is turning!

Walking... by holding onto my friend's shoulders and the wall of the hallway, I fall when I look up.

Today is open house. I am glad my parents didn't come. I just don't seem to like the mothers.

I get frustrated and my tears start to drop when they look at me from top to bottom with those discriminating eyes that say "There's a handicap person."

Who would ever choose to have this kind of body! I couldn't help it, but to cry at dinner, when I was thinking about those mothers who came to open house.

I know it's no use crying, I'm sorry mother.

I went to parent-teacher conference with my mom. If I try a little harder in math, I would be in top class! Let's do it Aya-chan!

It's 11:00. I can see the half-moon smiling through the east window.

I wonder if I can pray if I turn off the light.

Living with my healthy classmates, I sometimes feel an uncontrollable frustration. It sucks.

But, when you look at it in another way, this frustration becomes a motivation for me to study harder.

I love Higashi-kou (Aichiken-ritsu Toyohashi Higashi High School), my teacher, S-chan, Y-ko-chan, M-e-chan, I love everyone.

I also love my senpai who gave me a chocolate when I was waiting at the candy shop!

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**Reviews are appreciated...  
**


	13. Chapter 13

**My Decision**

My mom went to visit a school for the handicapped, in Okazaki. She told me about it, and for some reason, I could not stop crying.  
My sister is studying very hard, because its exam week. I'm doing nothing. I cannot get the school for handicapped children out of my mind.

Honestly, I know that I can't stay at Higashikou for 3 years. I don't know anything about handicap school. It is an unknown world for me. Columbus and Gama must have went into the unknown world with 4 hopes and 6 fears.

Hope  
1. I will be able to see a clearer future.  
2. I will be able to live my own life.  
3. The facilities and the system seem to be very good.  
4. I will be able to make handicapped friends.

Fear  
1. I will be less like a human.  
2. I don't know if I'll be able to live with other people.  
3. Saying goodbye to my high school friends.  
4. How the people (society) will look at me (because of the image of handicap school).  
5. Boys.  
6. A change within the family.

I wonder if my little sister will remember me, even if I go away and stay in the dorm. In addition, my brother... will he at least sometimes think about me? (This seems like I'm going to go commit suicide or something).

S-chan has been living alone since freshman year, because her house is far and can't commute to school. The reason may be different from me, but I can understand her loneliness.

A big fly is buzzing by the window. Flies in the winter need to be killed. However, when I thought about them giving birth to many children in the summer, I couldn't kill it, feeling the importance of "life."

I was looking at the new classroom building from the window. I became emotional as I thought to myself "Aww, this is Higashikou."  
When I looked up at the sky, there was a white moon.

"You didn't choose to be sick. You can do many things, even if you are handicapped. If you were a person who didn't have the power to think, you wouldn't have been able to feel the kindness, and the warmth that people have, which you first realized after getting sick," says mom.

S-chan and I talked in the sunshine by the lakeside, listening to the birds singing.  
"Aya-chan, you're one strange girl. You say, 'The sky is beautiful, it's so blue,' and is easily amazed. Your heart must be very pure," says S-chan.  
I asked her, "Is there anyone that lets you be yourself when you're with them?"  
"Hmm maybe my little sister or brother, because I can be arrogant. But I can be myself the most when I'm alone."  
S-chan chose to live on her own. Aya is torn away from her family.  
This is a big difference...

A high school senior with a canine tooth  
There is a girl in Biology Cub with braids who love mice. I **walked **with her to the library. I walked all on my own! I was very slow...but she walked with me adjusting her speed to my pace. She has 44 mice at home. She told me about the first time she got a mouse.  
"Her name was Nana. She was a girl. She died from breast cancer. A mouse becomes like a human when they get sick, and then die. It's very sad, seeing an animal die."  
I don't know anything about her. I could ask the upperclassmen or the teachers, but I don't intend on asking them, because I want to get to know more about her through her stories.

I was able to talk to her again.  
People call her Sa-chan.  
Her family consists of her father, mother, younger sister, and the 44 mice. In her own yard, there is a graveyard for her mice and she puts grasses on their graves.  
In French, the forget-me-not is translated as a mouse. Sa-chan told me that this was because the forget-me-not looks like a mouse.  
"I (she uses Boku when she talks, even though she is a girl) think that when someone dies, they have died instead of me. You(Aya) have a bad leg. So, I think that I need to live my life earnestly for you."  
"I believe that people have special power (I just nod and listen to her). To an amoeba, we are people with special powers, so for a blind person, aren't people who are able to see, people with supernatural powers?"  
Sa-chan doesn't toil. I love her! But neither Sa-chan nor Aya will be in Higashikou next year.

In English grammar class, K-chan cried saying she was disappointed. (She had gotten a low grade on her test).  
The teacher became frantic and said, "Don't cry! If you're going to cry, you should have tried harder in the first place."  
It was scary. Thinking that I would never get in trouble like that no matter how bad my grade would be, made me sad.

I was telling Sa-chan about the time when my body became warm from doing sports.  
"Playing push-and-shove is the best!"  
"Even in soccer and basketball, you don't need to touch the ball; all you need to do is run."  
I was a little embarrassed when I rambled on about the things I cannot do anymore.

I watched the movie, "The Lily in the Field" on TV.  
I believe in God. Thinking that God is probably testing me through these hardships, made me feel allot better. Somehow, I do not want to forget this feeling.

It's almost New Year. Many people helped and cared for me this year. It seems like next year is going to be a tough year... fighting against myself. This is because the Aya right now cannot admit that she is a handicap. I do not want to. It is scary. Nevertheless, I cannot keep running away! If I go to handicap school...

It scares me to think about attending the handicap school. It may be true that it would be a great place for a handicap person like me, but I want to stay in Higashikou.  
I want to study with everyone.  
I want to learn about many things and become a big person.  
I don't want to think about my healthy classmates leaving me behind.

My mother sometimes talks about the handicap school.  
Aya is capable of doing things on her own even though it may take a lot of time.  
She told me how I could change from a person always being helped, to a person giving help.  
I am on the cliff of making a huge decision and that time is coming soon.

_**Some side notes for this entry**_:

Higashikou is a short-hand way of saying Higashi High School. Also, Sa-chan uses the word, Boku which are used by boys for the word, "I." Therefore, Aya makes a comment about her using that word.

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**Reviews are appreciated...  
**


	14. Chapter 14

**Revolution**

I wanted to transfer schools by making the decision all on my own.

I have been telling myself that I would put an end to it by the third semester.

**Memory 1**

Mr. N, until today I have respected you and trusted you. It disgusts me how he can just put an end to it like this.

He could have just told me directly, "Go to the handicap school, because this school can't take care of you any longer," instead of telling my mom, "It is taking her longer to get from class to class."

If he would just tell me straight forward, then it would be much easier for me to make my decision.

Stop staring at me! Gosh it is so irritating.

He asked me, "Has your mother told you anything yet?"

Why do you have to hint everything! Just tell me!

Although my life is a continuation of hardships every day, why couldn't you listen to what I had to say, so that I can leave this school feeling a little better.

If you would have let me talked, I could have easily said I will be transferring schools from junior year...

I was planning to go to the handicap school from April but...

I wanted to leave this school with confidence but I cannot even do that now.

I can't leave feeling like this...

**Memory 2**

I talked to S-chan.

"At the handicap school you'll no longer be special, so you won't have to feel as distressed as you used to. But... if you have the desire to do things quickly, you can do it, so why don't you put some effort into it?"

I felt a sharp knife go through me.

Our friendship stays strong because of her 99% kindness and 1% strictness, so I didn't cry.

My emotions become numb when I'm in a great shock.

S-chan taught me to "think."

I was re-born.

Although I am physically handicapped, I thought my intelligence were the same as any healthy person.

Missing a step while climbing the stairs and falling all the way down...that's what it feels like.

My friends and teachers are all healthy. This truth makes me sad, but there is nothing I can do about this difference.

I am going to leave Higashikou and I will live "alone" carrying this heavy package called handicap.

I at least needed 1 liter of tears to make this decision and I will need more in the future.

I don't want to cry anymore.

Losing makes me frustrated.

If you feel frustrated, do something about it!

I can't continue to lose.

My first visit to the doctors' was after New Year.

I was a little relieved after talking with Dr. Yamamoto.

Enthusiasm stirred up inside me.

My mother quickly talks about transferring to the handicap school.

My doctor said she would ask the board of education.

I started to get my hopes up, but even that was easily popped like a bubble.

I suddenly remembered myself being very rebellious these past few days.

You(as in myself) have been relying too much on people.

I just realized this.

You have been taking advantage of the people around you.

That's why your friends got tired. It's too late to realize now.

We ate out at "Asakuma" (restaurant), which we haven't gone to in a while. My mother told my siblings about me transferring to the handicap school. I became irritated and said, "They already know, so don't talk about it!"

"It's true that Aya, you're the one transferring, but it's not just about you. It's important for all of us to think, help, and cheer up one another, in order to solve family problems. This connection is very important," my mother said.

It's better to be naked once. I started to think that there is no need to feel the excitement.

Hamburger steak was really good. I ate ice-cream, which was for dessert in a second.

W-kun, O-kun, D-kun, thank you for always saying "hi" to me. It really made me happy.

M-kun thank you for carrying my bag.

I was finally able to say "Hi!" to H-kun...

This year was very long.

I really enjoyed this year with everyone. I'm finally ready.

Goodbye and take care...

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

For the side note, "It's better to be naked once" might be a little difficult to understand, but it simply means that once someone is naked (not literally, more like emotionally, mentally, inwardly), they can see something new. Like standing at a starting point.

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**Reviews are appreciated...  
**


	15. Chapter 15

**Organizing My Feelings**

The class distribution for the junior class was announced. My name is no longer there. I was able to make a decision, but it still makes me sad. Only if I could just be healthy...

Get over it already! How long are you going to stay like that! You have to be able to have confidence that you yourself CAN overcome this illness!  
I can't write, as well anymore...is this a sign that the illness is getting worse?

It is okay if you fall. You can just get up again. Why don't you look up at the sky, while you are down there. The blue sky spreads across above you. Can you see it smiling at you?  
You are alive.

I cried in front of my friends. It made me very sad when my club teacher asked me, "Are you quitting school?"  
Does it make you feel good to be crying? Not only does it makes the people around you feel bad, but also does not make you feel empty?  
Then stop crying! You are cuter when you smile. In addition, if you have something to say, just say it before you start crying!

Right now, I feel worthless. I am going to skip shower and go to sleep. Tomorrow, I am going to the handicap school for an interview. Make the decision and don't cry anymore.

I continue to hope and pray to become someone great.

Handicap school...this name has a dark image... Why can't it have a different name? There may be nursing help inside a school, but there are no nursing society... Conference with my teacher.  
"I think that you could continue your studies at Higashikou with this small degree of handicap... I wonder if something can be done if you do not have trouble with actually taking the classes. Are you really satisfied because the average of the academic ability at a handicap school is pretty low?"  
I cried inside myself, "I don't want to hear it anymore! I don't want any sympathy!"

I actually had a slight hope when Dr. Yamamoto called the Board of Education. However, their answer was that they have left the decisions up to the principal.  
My mother said, "We were told that Higashikou cannot take care of her any longer, so there's nothing we can do about it. Coming to this decision was very difficult for Aya, but I want her to have hope and start a new life. Aya herself has already made the decision. Please carry on with this decision that we have made."

Honestly I still had a connection with Higashikou, but listening word for word, to what my mother was saying, my feelings became one with my mother.  
As long as she is my support, I will be able to go on.  
God, I will listen to my mother. I felt a deep love in her action. I am going to become a better and stronger person.

On the way home, I stopped by Emi-chan's house. I had called before I went, so my aunt had great food ready for me, and when I got there, everyone was waiting for me. I ate until I was full, and I was so sleepy I couldn't even think about studying.

I was planning to do my best on my last final exam, but so many things were happening that I could not concentrate.  
I couldn't help but to think about the "flowering quince" inside the classroom...the colour is really pretty, but why was it given such a name?

said, "Whether you choose to go to handicap school or stay at Higashikou, the ultimate decision lies in your hands. That's what it means to live."  
However, I thought to myself, "I have no choice, but to go to handicap school. I want to stay in Higashikou, but the school will not let me, because they say I cannot keep up with the school life. Therefore, it is not really my decision. You're just saying things in a nicer way."  
continued, saying,  
"1. Stay clean. Be very strict to yourself and do not let anyone think that handicap people are dirty.  
2. Treasure your friends.  
3. In the future, you should master typing.  
4. Don't forget about Higashikou."  
I did not tell her, but I kept repeating what she said and how I felt, repeatedly in my mind.

The people around me surround me, attacking me with the word "handicap." I forced myself to think that the handicap school was the only place for me, trying to calm myself, and made the decision to transfer. I looked back a couple months since the path of handicap school came about. Emotionally, I had made the decision, but I realized that nothing was really organized in my mind. That is why my emotions were always so unstable.

I read the Bible. I accepted Jesus' words and calmly thought to myself... I am sorry God, I still lack faith. It is very difficult to become a devout Christian.  
All right, I will put my feet firmly on the ground and think rationally.

Advantages about Higashikou  
1. Allows people to see that there are people like me through our daily school life. (Gain the kindness to help each other)  
2. Having many complex by comparing my handicap self with the normal healthy people, becomes a power for me to try harder.  
3. I can learn allot from my teachers and friends.

The drawbacks  
1. I cannot keep up with the class schedule.  
2. I have the habit of relying on my friends and teachers.  
3. I only hang out with the same group of friends and cannot join other larger groups. (My abilities have limitations).  
4. I become a burden to people because I cannot help during cleaning time.

Advantages about going to a handicap schoolthis is just my image.  
1. I can live independently.  
2. Become less of a burden to the people around me.  
3. I can think about my future.  
4. Gain skills needed in life.  
5. Between the handicapped students, we will be able to understand each other.

Drawbacks about going to a handicap school  
1. Start to use the term "handicap" as an excuse.  
2. Have fewer opportunities to interact with my healthy friends.  
3. My learning speed will slow down.

-xoxoxoxoxoxoox-

A side note:

In this entry, Aya mentions a flower called a "flowering quince" which is called a "boke" in Japanese. This word boke means to be a little stupid, silly, or dense, so that is why Aya asks herself why the pretty flower is given such a name...

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**Reviews are appreciated... I wasn't able to update in ages because my laptop was stolen...  
**


	16. The Farewell

**The Farewell**

4 more days until the closing ceremony.  
It seems like they are folding 1000 cranes for me (This is just my guess).  
I will always keep it in my heart that I-san and G-san were folding those cranes for me, so that I will not forget even if we have to say goodbye.  
It makes me happy that they are wishing for my happiness...but I wanted them to say, "Aya-chan, please don't go!"  
My heart is full of hatred to my friends who didn't say that to me and to myself, for not trying harder so that people would say that to me.  
But...to keep my promise with Mrs. Motoko (which is to not think badly of my friends), I didn't say anything.

When I told my mom, she started singing, "Forget about the past. If you keep looking back, you won't be able to move forward. Walk three steps forward, then two steps is～"  
I started to laugh.

A friend gave me a cycad fruit. It's color is orange.  
I love this color...it's such a really warm color.

I talked with Mrs. Motoko for the last time.  
She listened to all my complaints.  
"Don't be so harsh on yourself. Life isn't just about studying and school. What can you do if you're thrown into society when you only have academic skills? Studying was merely an escape route for your. You've avoided carrying your own bag, and washing dishes and only concentrated on studying... am I right? That's why your view of life is so narrow. You need to create a revolution. You should be happy that you were at least able to go to a normal school for a year. At the handicap school, there are children who have lived in hospitals all their life. Compared to them, you've been hit with the harshness of society, so you know not to always rely on people. For a 16 year old, you have an immature side and a mature side. You're an unbalanced person. This is because you haven't experienced enough of life for a 16 year old. It's not too late yet, so don't give up. Go and gain lots of things at handicap school, that you couldn't gain at Higashikou. You can even cause mischief. You can do it! But, it would have been better for Higashikou if you would have stayed."

I was really thankful to be able to meet such a great teacher. I'm going to tell her "goodbye" with a big smile.

When exams are over, there's no school until the closing ceremony.  
My parents planned a small party for my friends, and all the people who helped and supported me this year.  
We talked, played poker, and played gomoku narabe.  
S-chan gave me a coffee cup, Y-ko-chan gave me a music box, and A-ko-chan gave me a dry flower.  
My mom each gave us a fountain pen saying, "Goodluck with your studies and I would be happy if you would sometimes remember Aya when you look at this pen."  
We all became silent. When I realized that the time for "goodbye" had finally come, my tears started to flow, but I tried hard to keep it from falling. I had promised myself to not say goodbye in tears.

I had a really fun time, but once everyone left, I became lonely and cried like a baby.

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Sidenote: Closing Ceremony is when all the students of the school get together in the auditorium and the principal gives a speech. It is similar to a graduation, but different, since there is a closing ceremony on the last day of every semester. Also, there is a custom to fold 1000 cranes out of origami, to wish for the health of the sick people. Lastly, gomoku narabe(5 stones in a row) is a board game with white and black stones and the point of the game is to get 5 stones of your color in a row.

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Translators Note:

I apologize for not updating in ages... This is my advance Valentine gift to all of my readers and especially for those who bother to leave a comment... It makes my day... I will be updating when this month of my hospital duties are done... So bear with me, ok?


	17. Reflecting and Regretting

**Reflecting and Regretting**

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The time has finally come!

It's March 22. The closing ceremony breezed by and I went inside the classroom. Everyone wrote me farewell messages on a paper.

I wanted to shout saying, "Thank you for always helping me! I will never forget you all. I'm going to be transferring to a new school, but I will try my best. I hope that you all won't forget me, Aya the handicapped girl,"….but I couldn't stop crying.

S-chan, Y-ko-chan…

"It's a hassle sometimes trying to help Aya all the time." My teacher told me what my friends had said one day. I don't know why I never realized it. I was always only focused on myself. It's all my fault that I have made everyone feel this way.

Aah don't say anything anymore! I've already reflected on my wrong-doings enough…

During the Star Festival, I wrote "I want to be a normal girl" and my sister got mad at me and asked me, "What makes you so different from a normal girl?"

I wanted to fight back saying, "What's so wrong about writing the truth?"

I realized that it's very difficult to admit that you are handicapped, even though you know that you are.

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_**Note:**_

Star Fesitval, known as Tanaba in Japanese is celebrated on July 7th. People usually write their wishes on a small piece of paper and hang it on a bamboo ... You can search it on the net for further understanding of what is Star Festival...

_**Hello there, Lenneth is here!**_

_**By the way, my friend left me all the translation of the first book of the diary... Remember, that this account was entrusted to me by the original Mishil... So, don't forget to leave some feedback? Ok? Thanks!**_

_**Sie können auch einen Beitrag in unserer Sprache! Nochmals vielen Dank für das Lesendieser Übersetzung ... :)  
**_


	18. Chapter 19: Direct Appeal

_**Direct Appeal**_

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Dr. Hiroko Yamamoto's Profile.

She is small with short hair, and glasses. She is always wearing a white robe, but she wears earrings and rings that are not too fancy, which makes her look fashionable but not too flashy.

She has been my doctor since I stayed at Nagoya University Hospital. When she transferred to Fujita (Nagoya) Hoken Eisei University, she contacted me so I changed hospitals with her. She is quick-minded, prompt, and quick with anything she does. She is reliable and sometimes she would drive me to different universities for physical examinations. She is an amazing person.

When I asked her, "What high school did you graduate from?"

She simply answered, "Meiwa."

Even I knew that Meiwa is a school for the elite. She told me that after Meiwa, she entered Nagoya University. I love her because she never boasts and is always so warm. When I'm with her, I cannot be my lazy self.

For a year and a half, I have continued to go to the hospital and at times was hospitalized, but I knew that my illness was getting worse.

Maybe because the cells in my cerebellum were detoriating, but my body movements have become awkward and I have trouble moving my legs, since my knees would not bend.

I can't even talk loud anymore, and can only say one word at a time. I can't even laugh wa-ha-ha-ha and when I try to, it comes out as wa-wa-wa.

I still tend to swallow accidentally without chewing and I am losing the strength to move my tongue. Next time when I go to the hospital, I'm going to ask the doctor, "Without hiding the truth, please tell me what's going to happen to me." It's scary to ask, but I need to think about my future. Depending on her answer, I might need to re-think about how I'm going to live my life.

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Translator's Note: PLEASE READ THIS~

Before you throw any rotten tomatoes on me because of my very LATE update, I do apologize, I just got graduated from Nursing school and I just passed the licensure examination and thank Merlin or Circe for that one, So, this is actually an update from me, since, once again, it will be uncertain when I can update again. This upcoming Monday is the start of my work, but before that, I'll try to translate another entry on my free time, okay? And I lost my musings when most of my stories were stolen from me in a verbatim way...

My laptop was reformatted and again, I LOST all of my files including the COMPLETE translation…

I guess, this is enough statement and please do leave comments.


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